


Silence

by Erestorandfin



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Major Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:13:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28410711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erestorandfin/pseuds/Erestorandfin
Summary: It should never have ended this way.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seven of Nine
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for this story - 'Forgiven' by Within Temptation. If like me, you enjoy pairing reading with music, I recommend a listen to the full song, it is very beautiful. 
> 
> Endless thanks to my wonderful Beta Mary S.

Couldn't save you from the start  
Love you so it hurts my soul  
Can you forgive me for trying again?  
Your silence makes me hold my breath  
Oh time has passed you by

You gave up the fight  
You left me behind  
All that's done's forgiven  
You'll always be mine  
I know deep inside  
All that's done's forgiven

***

The day was bright but without warmth as she followed the familiar path. Tranquillity surrounded her, but despite the notable absence of the usual stressful hum of activity, she felt no more at peace here. For too long had silence haunted her, and without the distraction of her endless responsibilities, she found herself once more sinking into despondency, unable to avoid her guilt-ridden introspection.

“Pleased to see me?”

She sighed, carefully easing herself into a seated position. Coming here had always been difficult, but increasingly she felt the passage of time on her body, and what once had been emotionally draining alone had also become physically challenging. The last few times had been almost unbearable, a bitter struggle of mind over matter that she was rapidly losing.

“Of course not. I’m sure you would be as perfectly miserable as me to see what I’ve become without you.”

Despite the many years they had been together, it had passed as though it were mere moments, not decades. And the time since then had existed endlessly, with apparently no regards for the laws of physics, oblivious to her suffering.

Try as she might to recall the good memories, it was hard not to focus on all the time they could have had, time she had wasted on her distorted sense of duty. Despite their initial projection that it would take seventy years for them to get back here, she had never really believed it, firmly convinced that it wouldn’t be long until they found a shortcut home. If only she had known at the start how many years it would take them, maybe she would have fully understood the ramifications which the decision she had made would have on the lives of all those on Voyager. But she hadn’t. Hadn’t understood the futility of keeping him at arm’s length, hadn’t realised the arrogance of believing that she could do everything alone. 

The same questions always came to her mind, questions that would never be answered. The promises of a better past dancing tantalisingly just out of her reach, but close enough to make her regret what had come to pass.

How different would the journey have been if she had let him in?

Which mistakes could he have helped her avoid?

Which lives could have been saved?

Down that path lay madness, she knew, but she wasn’t strong enough to keep it at bay any longer. Too weary to stop her exhausted mind imagining what might have been if she hadn’t pushed him away so ruthlessly. Wondering if she had been open with him, whether it would have been enough to prevent her from driving him into the arms of another.

For a long time, the only emotion she had felt was anger, at him and at herself. Part of her had wanted to hold onto it, wanted to be angry with him, to blame him for giving up on her, because it was better than the emptiness that was slowly seeping into every other part of her life. But she knew in her heart she had given him little enough reason to believe there was anything left to fight for. She had wanted him to believe she felt nothing, that she didn’t need him, didn’t need anyone but herself, and eventually she had succeeded.

In the end, she had gotten exactly what she had wanted. It might have only been ten years since his death, but the reality was they had both been alone for so many more years than that. In some ways, though they had been together, the silence between them had been worse then. Watching him drift emptily through every day was an inescapable reminder of the suffering she had caused him.

Though there was never any confrontation between them, their conversations seemingly as cordial as they had ever been, the weight of the words she knew he wasn’t saying rested heavily on her shoulders. No single moment where everything changed, just an ever increasing expanse between them, the disconnected void created between one person with nothing to say, and another with no words to express what should have been said. The unavoidable truth was that it was her fault that he had lost his reason to keep going. There was no one to blame but herself for how life had turned out, and she found her anger replaced piece by piece with guilt, until that was all she had left.

Untold hours passed without her notice, immobilised by grief, consumed completely by her caustic memories.

A soft sob broke through the silence and pulled her back to reality.

“I...I tried so hard, you know. To move on, to try and salvage something from the wreckage of our lives. To find even a fragment of something good that came from my decisions, but there was nothing.

“I really loved –love– you. I’m so sorry, for everything. I wish…” But she broke off, shaking her head. She should have told him long ago, back before both their hearts were broken. They were long past the point where her words could have any meaning.

It should never have ended this way.

Maybe it didn’t have to.

Brushing away her tears, she nodded to herself, and her face became focused again, decision made. Rising to her feet with difficulty, she sighed, joints achingly stiff from sitting so long on the cold earth. She waited a few moments, knowing this would be the last time she came here.

Knowing that even if she succeeded, the joy she should have felt would be irretrievably buried under the weight of her broken heart; a heart she couldn’t fix despite what she was going to do.

Knowing that her actions would result in her having to re-live the seemingly endless years of misery, traversing a different path but still carrying this burden in solitude.

Knowing that if there was even a chance to save him from so much as a day of the despair she had seen him suffer the first time around, it was a price she would pay willingly.

“I know it wasn't easy living all these years without her, Chakotay. But when I'm through, things might be better for all of us. Trust me.”

Whatever it cost her, it would be worth it.

***

I've been so lost since you've gone  
Why not me before you?  
Why did fate deceive me?  
Everything turned out so wrong  
Why did you leave me in silence?

You gave up the fight  
You left me behind  
All that's done's forgiven  
You'll always be mine  
I know deep inside  
All that's done's forgiven

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures/CBS; no infringement of copyright is intended.


End file.
